Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

My mother loved children — she would have given anything if I had been one.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

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